I guess the only place to start is at the beginning I'm guessing that since you are here you have already read my story so I won't go over  the story all over again.I'm 21 married and am the mommy of 3 angels This is the journey of my grief and the things I felt when I was going through my losses.The mind numbing moments of grief and how I dealt with the darkest days.

                          The very beginning

To start at the beginning I have to go back to being 15 years old, when I was younger I was wild (show me a teenager who isn't!!)I was with someone and we weren't together long only around 5 months or so. It was a short relationship and we split it was over before it had properly begun. I guess this is just what happens when you are young nothing last forever. I found  I was pregnant almost a week after we split we were both still at school and the situation was awkard  and delicate to say the least. But at the end of the day I wasn't the first girl in the world to ever get pregnant. Things were hairy for a while I had the none to brave task of telling my mum (AS PREDICTED SHE WENT APE!!) at first she was adamant she wanted me to have a termination but nu uh that was something that I was never ever going to do I think a lot of the pushing she did over the next few months was born out of concern and anger but she did try to sway me to abort. It was just never an option for me I would never EVER do it. I admit my situation was not good my age no money no partner but I still knew that even though that was the situation that the consequences of aborting my tiny faultless little baby would be far worse. Almost from the get go I started to imagine my life with a little baby in it , I started to plan his or her's future and knowing that I would be responsible for the rest of my life for this tiny little being inside of me was overwhelming  and  an amazing feeling. My mum made a doc's appointment and she kind of half threatened half warned me not to go against her meaning keep my mouth shut and she would do all the talking (this behaviour was part of the reason I hid it from her for several weeks that I was pregnant) by this she meant she was going to tell the doctor that I was having an abortion. I didn't argue because I knew that I was going to have to save my energy for the argeument in the doctor's office. We walked to the doctor's together me with the heaviest feeling in my heart I loved my baby already I really did I was beginning to bond I had a little cousin who had been born a few months before and everytime I looked at her I imagined a little baby just like her was growing in my belly and I was his or hers mummy I was so googley eyed and not because I wanted a little doll to dress up !! as was suggested to me by a rather rude fat old lady on the bus when I began to show ! anyway back to the doctors office showdown, it went something like this

Like I said the situation was far from ideal but I somehow got through it. I left school when I'd finished my exams and I was just going on 6 months. Things took a giant leap in to the unknown for me not long after. My aunt gave me a ton of baby books since she'd just recently had my little cousin and I read every one of them back to back cover to cover a squillion times determined to know everything about everything. Aroogantly always skipping past the only part for some reason I ignored one particular section of the books the part about complications meaning miscarriage or stillbirth. I never in a million years thought I would ever have to read up on something like that because again I was so naive babies didn't die in this day and age right ? How wrong could I have been. My 16th birthday was approaching on the 21st of August it was a hot summer and my pregnancy was starting to give me gip. All sorts were starting to go wrong, my feet swelled up so bad it was leaving indentations if I touched them, I was feeling constantly dizzy ,my rings got real tight, my head felt as though someone had pulled a rubber glove over it, I was having migraines, dizzy turns near fainting spells and I just did not know what was wrong I had read about pre eclampsia in the books but I did not recongnise that I was having the symptoms. I was having really bad pains in my left leg it got so bad I could barely walk, I had a doctors appointment and she did all the usual stuff , my blood pressure ,bloods etc, my urine sample was showing an abnormally high level of protein and glucose, my blood pressure was well in to the 90's. I had felt particularly unwell today headache was soo bad that morning and now we knew the reason why. The doctor said there and then that she was concerned about my blood pressure she took it every 15 minutes for the next 45 minutes and it was not going down any. She gave me a referall slip for the hopsital and told me to go right away.

My mum and I caught the bus to the hospital right away, when I got in there they did my blood pressure and it was sitting around 102 which is pretty darn bad over 92 is considering my normal pressure was between 70 and 72. They were getting in ot a panic and rushing around me I was put on observation and they did all kinds of tests I had to give another urine sample, more bloods were taken , and my blood pressure was taken every 15 minutes for an hour and a half at one point it creeped up to 105. It was showing no signs of coming back down, it was then they told my mum to go home and get me some nightclothes They said I was being admitted and I would probably be staying for a little while, they began to suspect I had pre eclampsia. Evereything was happening so fast I just did not know what was going on I felt like I was in a trance like state. I was pretty clueless about what this meant. my Mum came back with some overnight clothes and she stayed a few hours and went home. I don't mind saying that I was scared shitless (I was only 15 ) everything felt pretty scary and out of my control.They told me I was also pretty aneamic which could also be making me very dizzy so they put me on ferrous sulphate iron tablets.That night I remember laying in the hospital bed with the ECG heartbeat monitor strapped to my bump, listening to the soft gallop of my baby's heartbeat in my ears, I must have fell asleep. I was woken ealry the next morning and all my checks were repeated my blood presure had gone down to 98 not much better but at least it had gone down a little bit. All through that day I had to have my blood pressure taken, they told me then that they still thought I had pre eclampsia and that I would be staying one more night until they had my extensive blood's back later that night they sent a doctor up to the ward to speak to me. He told me that I definately did have PRE ECLAMPSIA.He told me that as it was pretty bad and as I had a little while to go until my baby was born That I would be staying in hospital under complete bed rest.